Steamy Nights at the EEOB

Date: June 14, 2009
Setting: Eisenhower Executive Office Building, Office of the Vice President, Washington DC



Tom, a young strapping summer intern in the Vice President's Office knocks at a door. "Come in," a voice responds. He opens the door, holdings documents reading "TOP-SECRET" under his arm, pressing against his well tanned and bursting bicep. He proceeds across the large office to a desk, where a paint-suit clad vivacious woman is sitting while reading briefings. "Vice President Palin, I was told to bring these important documents immediately to you from the President, it sounded urgent." She removes her glasses and looks him over "I'll take those" she reaches over taking the files out of his hand while touching and stroking his forearm in the process. "What's your name?" she asks. "Tom, I am new around here" he answers nervously. "Where are you from, Tom?" the Vice-president asks him as she unbuttons her top button and lets her hair tumble. "Well I was in med school, and to be honest I really dont know what I am doing here, it's kind of a non sequitor, sorry I have no way of explaining it, at all." He answered. "That's alright, we really should be more worried about that preemptive strike." The V.P. remarked "What preemptive strike? I had no idea one was even being considered" Tom questioned in a startled manner ."The one I am about to wage on your axis of Boner" The VP exclaimed. "MRS VICE PRESIDENT, YOU'RE MARRIED AND..." At that moment the Vice President grabs his belt-buckle "Now this is what I call executive privilege..."





Holy crap, I had no idea I was posting this on J.A.G. I meant to put this on my other blog: VPPALIN-EROTICFANFICTION.blogger.org. I am really sorry for the mix up, ill take it down tomorrow everyone.

New Friends

Since I haven't been workin and school hasn't started up yet, I've been kind of bored around here lately. I really was getting desperate to find something fun to do. Luckily for me, I was watching TV when a commercial showed me how to find some new friends:

Whoa! I can't believe I hadn't heard of this before. Like that second guy sounded awesome: he's
"athletic," "Curious," and "local" Hey, me too. I love sports, scientific inquiry and my home town. And there were those weight lifting buddies a couple of seconds later, I could get in shape! So I gave the phone-number a call and my new friend, Lance, should be over any minute now.

UPDATE: OH JESUS GOD NO, DO NOT CALL THE NUMBER

Olympic Superstar or Arab Warlord?

Olympic fever has even been more contagious than dyptheria or terrorism... or has it?

US Authorities have targeted who they believe to be a major leader in a multinational terrorist organization posing as an elite athlete. Usain Bolt aka "Saddam" Usain Bolt aka Usain "the" Bolt aka Usain Schlomo Boltstein aka U "lookin at me? are you in" Sain B "rotha?" oltendorf aka "Tuff" Jimmy Shapiro has done well this year to hide his checkered past from the media.

CIA Director Michael "I feel safe in your arms" Haven has warned Americans visiting Beijing this summer to avoid "Suspicious looking arabs ...or rastafarians" and has further advised to "smoke weed in the safety of your own bungalow."

While these comments don't apply to Americans at home, or anyone in particular, visitors have become more wary of the many dangerous olympians that have tattered this sometimes popular event.

WTF America?

The Olympics are well underway and so far I have been pretty disappointed. For starters, China currently has more gold medals than the good old U.S.A. Secondly, NBC's 24/7 coverage of a shirtless Michael Phelps is not helping my body image...

But by far the biggest tragedy of these Olympics has been the realization that America does not have a Team Handball team. Now originally I was thinking "Handball, isn't that what I couldn't get my prom date to do to me under the table?" Well according to my mom, no it isn't, and also, I shouldn't call her with these questions. But after NPR's AJ Jacobs said it was his favorite sport in the games I decided to look it up. Turns out it is awesome. It's like Lacrosse/Dodgeball/Football/TimeTravel/Hockey. Lets see what Wikipedia has to say: Team handball (Also known as "Lacroccer" has origins reaching as far as antiquity: urania in ancient Greece, harpaston in ancient Rome, fangballspiel in medieval Germany, etc. There are also records of handball-like games in medieval Blah blah blah ROCKIN VIDEO:
P.S. I Don't know what you've read in the papers, but these videos just released are not of Windsor: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9hsKI09ODj4

I'm back.

I have actually been home from Africa for quite some time now but I have been holding off on gracing this most intellectual electronic media forum. Why? I wanted to come back with a bang. I wanted to comeback with finesse and style. I wanted to deliver something purely magical that would make a person stop and think back and say to themselves, so THAT'S what I have been missing. And here it is. Beijing 2008 meets Reptilian Erotica.

Breaking News:America's Health-Care Crisis has been solved.

Sorry Barck Obama, Billy Mays just saved millions of lives, and all my knives! And my Garden!

R.I.P. John Kruk 1966-2008

In a daring terrorist attack this morning, Philadelphia Philly and ESPN analyst John Kruk lost his life. Details are still coming in and I'll be sure to keep you posted but he will be missed. We hear at JAG send our condolences to his family.




Oh wait, nevermind. John Kruk is fine. Sorry about that guys. (I was gonna RICKROLL everyone but it wouldn't let me inbed and I was too lazy to remove the post)

Sites that are better than ours #1

In the first part of what is sure to be a 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 part series, I bring you Sites that are better than ours. This series will focus on websites that are clearly superior to ours. Hopefully, these segments will lead you to venture out there onto the Internet and discover some of the better websites instead of sitting on jewandgentiles.blogspot.com and hitting the refresh button all day waiting for those naked pictures of windsor.

Sites that our better than ours #1: http://www.google.com/

What makes it better?

• Our website is updated once every three months, Google is updated every .5nanoseconds
• Google has a magic box where you type things in and it finds what you were looking for, our site has no such box
• Google is worth 180Billion dollars and has made its founders, Sergey Brin and Larry page, each multi-billionaires, in contrast our site is worth .08 dollars and has made its founders even less.
• Google set up Google.org which annually give tens of billions of dollars to charity while I routinely roam Chicago stealing aluminum caans from the homeless as they sleep.

Coming next week- "Sites that our site is better than #1: Myspace"

Where Have I Been!?

So, I haven't posted in awhile, and the reason is I was left for dead in an abandoned warehouse in northern India. But I won't bore you. Here's my list of the top five places you wouldn't want to wake up:

5) Joe's Apartment

4)On stage during a mock vaudeville performance - Trust me... Yikes~!

3)In the second dimension!!!!!

2)Downtown Minneapolis in a pool of your own blood and vomit.

1) waking of in a morgue because you were left for dead in Northern India.

Woops! India :(

or an episode of the boondocks. Because that show is awful. Worse than DMX.

Count Von Wunderschipen der Floatenschtien

Anyone who knows me is well aware of my pursuit to land that dream job, and I have finally boiled it down to two possibilities. The first being Chicago Mounted Police officer. After living in Chicago for less than a year, its obvious the great job these guys have. They ride around on horses with a with a couple of friends, aka a posse, and just wave at people who aren't on horses. Basically they wake up everyday to be in an 8 hour parade, except they also get a gun. Horses+gun=American Dream.
Then there is job number 2: Blimp pilot. The allure of blimp pilot is that it looks like the most impossible job to fuck up. You float around a couple thousand feet in the air, looking down womens' shirts, watching sports games, etc. And since they replaced Hydrogen with Helium, the worst thing that could happen is you slowly crash and everyone gets a funny voice and a hearty laugh. However, with the the exception of the Goodyear Blimp, I was under the belief that zeppelins are pretty much non-existent. Well thank you New York Times for showing me the error of my ways, with an article describing the new eco-friendly resurgence in blimping.

Thanks to their low fuel consumption, airships are enjoying renewed attention as an alternative in an era of high fuel prices. But while zeppelins inspire enormous loyalty among those who work on them and a sense of wonder among all who watch them soar, the financial returns have barely gotten off the ground. “Our philosophy is to preserve the businesses in the long run, to keep them at the top,” insulated from the common pressure from shareholders, Mr. Büchelmeier said. The latter-day Zeppelin empire includes ZF Friedrichshafen, an automobile supplier that employs some 60,000 people worldwide and reported total revenues of roughly $20 billion for 2007. The holding company Zeppelin GmbH includes the exclusive dealer for the heavy equipment maker Caterpillar in Germany and much of Central and Eastern Europe. There is even a private Zeppelin University

Awesome So I can finally be a blimp pilot AND get a "Zeppelin Uni" sweatshirt. Sounds like it couldn't get any sweeter. Wait, what's that?

Perhaps the unlikeliest mission for the new generation of zeppelins was treasure hunter. The prototype ended up in Botswana, where the company DeBeers used it in diamond exploration.

Well, Looks like that its for me. Good-Bye Everybody!

Forever yours,

Tom Shoe B.P.A.D.H (Blimp Pilot/African Diamond Hunter)

SOURCE: http://www.nytimes.com/2008/08/04/world/europe/04zeppelin.html?hp