Best. Compilation. Ever

This is, without doubt, one of the most amazing videos I have ever seen on the internet. Any video that can combine this many amazing movies into one video...hats off to the maker. I am just gonna post this without wasting time on putting a bunch of funny links on random words in the text. Its THAT good.

I've made a huge mistake

Well ladies and gentlemen (probably just gentlemen, who the hell am I kidding) due to my wild and crazy life, I have been absent from this forum for quite some time now. I thought I would leave you with this little nugget of joy. This is the sort of scenario that anyone who, like myself, takes great joy in making comments and providing humor for the masses, may find themselves in. Sometimes, you think to yourself, man I'm gonna say this comment and EVERYONE is gonna laugh. But then it turns out that someone in the room had a brother or an uncle or who was murdered by a thai lady-boy and then used in a soup as an East Asian folk medicine aphrodisiac and SUDDENLY you are the fucking bad guy. Bullshit... Anyway, always know your audience and then you can CHOOSE who you want to offend:


Baby Shower

Atom.com: Funny Videos | Atom Originals | Great Moments in Human Interaction

Let me see if I get this straight.

So the concept of the show Alf is that there is a crash in some family's yard.  They don't call the authorities. They learn that it's a spaceship. They still don't call the authorities.  An alien gets out.  They don't call the authorities.  The Alien speaks perfect English. They don't call the authorities.  The family decides that instead of sharing this monumental discovery with the planet that they would rather have it hang out in their house and play board games.  Then the alien eats Cats. They don't call the authorities...

What the fuck went on in the '80s?

I'd probably be a full C. Maybe a D.

In news that makes me feel like I would have been a much happier nine year old than the wearing-a-shirt-in-the-pool kid I was, Reuter's is reporting that the Mainzieere/Bro is alive and well.  In Japan of course:

TOKYO (Reuters) Since launching two weeks ago on Rakuten, a major Japanese web shopping mall, the Wishroom shop has sold over 300 men's bras for 2,800 yen ($30) each. "I like this tight feeling. It feels good," Wishroom representative Masayuki Tsuchiya told Reuters as he modeled the bra, which can be worn discreetly under men's clothing.

"Worn discreetly under men's clothing."  Not to go out on a limb here, but I think it's safe to say there is no way for a man to discreetly wear a bra.  

"Hey Jim, are you wearing a bra?"  

What NO! it's an undershirt.

"No, I'm pretty sure it has straps and a clasp and I don't know how to get it off you, it's a bra"  

Shut up and kiss me.

And scene. 

Our President Elect eats at Harold's chicken.

FROM LAST NIGHT'S 60 MINUTES:

Kroft: It is one bedroom? Studio?

Mr. Obama: Yeah, it was sort of a one bedroom. It had kind of the vintage, college dorm, pizza… Kroft: Community organizer, right?, feel to it.

Michelle Obama: It reminded me of a little better version of the apartment you were in when we first started dating. That was a dump too.

Mr. Obama: Right near Harold's Chicken Shack.
Michelle Obama:Yeah.

Mr. Obama: Yeah. That's when I had the car with the-the hole in it.

SUCK ON THAT PUTIN!

U.S.A.!U.S.A!U.S.A.!U.S.A!U.S.A.!U.S.A!U.S.A.!U.S.A!U.S.A.!U.S.A!U.S.A.!U.S.A!U.S.A.!U.S.A!U.S.A.!U.S.A!U.S.A.!U.S.A!U.S.A.!U.S.A!U.S.A.!U.S.A!U.S.A.!U.S.A!U.S.A.!U.S.A!U.S.A.!U.S.A!U.S.A.!U.S.A!U.S.A.!U.S.A!U.S.A.!U.S.A!U.S.A.!U.S.A!U.S.A.!U.S.A!U.S.A.!U.S.A!U.S.A.!U.S.A!U.S.A.!U.S.A!U.S.A.!U.S.A!U.S.A.!U.S.A!U.S.A.!U.S.A!U.S.A.!U.S.A!U.S.A.!U.S.A!U.S.A.!U.S.A!

Live breaking footage of Lohan in high speed chase:

We have our Jew and Gentiles helicopter on the scene flying overhead right now what is reportedly Lindsay Lohan driving through south-central L.A.:

What is this amateur hour?

Link to Lindsay's racist/lesbian comments

LOHAN WATCH: BREAKING NEWS

She's at it again. Amidst the recent fallout of Prop 8, gays in all shapes and sizes have vocalized discontent with the African-American community in California.

And who's leading the pack? Hollywood starlet and all-around whore Lindsay Lohan.

It seems that Lindsay is intent on initiating the next war on African-Americans/Americans/why the hell is fox news such an indispensable resource for this blog?

NICE

I don't have much time, but I wanted to leave this here because it is awesome.

Best line: University Studies...AND doctors...AND medicine, say that you can change the shape AND sice of your breasts.

Dead Pope stabbed by Priest...25 years ago.

Reuters released this a couple of weeks ago:

VATICAN CITY (Reuters) - The late Pope John Paul was wounded by a knife-wielding priest in 1982, a year after he was shot in St Peter's Square, but the injury was kept secret, his former top aide says in a documentary film. Cardinal Stanislaw Dziwisz also discloses that when John Paul was unable to pronounce words several days before his death in 2005, he told his aides that if he could not speak any more the time had come for him to die.

Anyone else ever notice priests just hanging around wherever always reading the bible? I mean I know it's there job and all but can't they read something else at some point? I don't think they're gonna go to hell if they read some Tom Clancy here and there. I remember we read Of Mice and Men once Sophomore year of high school and again senior year and I almost hung myself because I had to read a book twice in a 4 year time span.  And Of Mice and Men is actually good.And short. And somewhat true.

http://www.reuters.com/article/peopleNews/idUSTRE49E5RM20081015

Joke. Of. The.Year...

...If you live south of the mason-dixon line:

Did you hear what type of Dog the Obama family is getting?

No, what?

a BLACK Labrador

.... If you're writing a Disney screen-play/write jokes for laffy taffy:

Did you hear what type of Dog the Obama family is getting?

No, what?

a HOPEsky

... If you really liked his speech:

Did you hear what type of Dog the Obama family is getting?

No, what?

a RottweiYESWECAN

Pull my finger... and SAVE your life?

I didn't get into John Hopkin's medical school, and now they're just rubbing it in: 

Small amounts of hydrogen sulphide - a toxic gas generated by bacteria living in the human gut - are responsible for the foul odour of flatulence. But it seems the gas is also produced by an enzyme in blood vessels where it relaxes them and lowers blood pressure. The findings in mice may lead to new treatments for high blood pressure, the Science journal reported. Researchers at Johns Hopkins University, in Maryland, found that the gas is produced in the cells lining blood vessels by an enzyme called CSE.

I'm still skeptical.  If this were true my BP would be 33/7

(link: http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/health/7686911.stm)

This election day, go with experience.

With everything seeming like its going wrong in this world: the economy in ruins, Muslims!, global warming, and Cats taking our best careers. 2008 will indeed be a historic election. We, as Americans, have to vote for someone who has proven himself a leader through being  not only a maverick, but a war hero.  And that's why we here at JAG have collectively endorsed the re-election of President THOMAS J. WHITMORE.

"Good morning. In less than an hour, aircraft from here will join others from around the world. And you will be launching the largest aerial battle in this history of mankind.

Mankind -- that word should have new meaning for all of us today.

We can't be consumed by our petty differences anymore. We will be united in our common interests. Perhaps its fate that today is the 4th of July, and you will once again be fighting for our freedom, not from tyranny, oppression, or persecution -- but from annihilation. We're fighting for our right to live, to exist. And should we win the day, the 4th of July will no longer be known as an American holiday, but as the day when the world declared in one voice:

"We will not go quietly into the night!

We will not vanish without a fight!

We're going to live on!

We're going to survive!"

Today, we celebrate our Independence Day!"

Failure of Bush, Victory for mankind, does it even matter?

No. Nothing matters. anymore.  Not after this headline:

MillerCoors discontinues     Zima.

MillerCoors LLC announced Monday that it will discontinue the clear malt beverage Zima, introduced by Coors Brewing Co. in 1992, because of "challenging malternative segmen

t sales and declining consumer interest." (http://www.bizjournals.com/stlouis/stories/2008/10/20/daily15.html)

Monsters. God. Damn. Monsters.

But...Another VICTORY for mankind

The opening line says it all. "When I stopped and saw this firetruck for sale...the wheels started turning and I figured, I could put in a pizza oven and a beer tap and...have a reason to own a firetruck!" This truly is the embodiment of everything that makes the human mind so wonderful. A truly inspiring story of invention that gives credence to belief in such mystical forces as the muse or divine intervention. A true hero, this man saw in this cast aside instrument of public good, not a broken shell of a tool long past its days of serving the populace, but rather an idea transcended from the depths of dreams into reality. Pizza and beer. In a firetruck. Truly inspiring.

See the story HERE

Another Failure of the Bush Administration

Let's face it: the last eight years have been categorized by systematic failures of our executive branch - a total lack of foresight. First, the administration didn't foresee the greatest tragedy on American soil (well, second greatest tragedy)Second, it was Katrina - no one heeded the advice of city planners who knew of the risk of an invalid levee system. Third, no one in the administration seemed to foresee the inevitable monumental failure of running two wars against the notion of terrorism. Now, policymakers in Washington failed to foresee the subprime mortgage crisis.

Because our policymakers in Washington have proven time and again to be inadequate at anticipating tragic events, it is here that I will attempt to raise awareness of the newest threat to our freedoms as Americans, bees.


I don't need to explain the consequences of bees' dog/elderly woman genocide, but I will anyway.

1) We will lose our freedom to not have our elderly women and dogs killed by bees.

2) We will lose our freedom to make blog posts about said bee massacres.

3) We will be inundated with honey.

4) We will grow to dislike the taste of honey due to said inundation - which sucks because honey is great especially on apples.

5) Fox news will replace stories about bees with more of Hannity's America, the worst show since McCarthy and Nixon's America.

I would rather they nuked us....

I would rather they had nuked us, if it meant we got this:





Point goes to japan.


I don't think they could do anything better. Just a bunch of vending machines. I mean thats really all they got over there. Wait, what? THATS A PERSON? Explainn yoself NYT:



Deftly, Ms. Tsukioka, a 29-year-old experimental fashion designer, lifted a flap on her skirt to reveal a large sheet of cloth printed in bright red with a soft drink logo partly visible. By holding the sheet open and stepping to the side of the road, she showed how a woman walking alone could elude pursuers — by disguising herself as a vending machine. (http://www.nytimes.com/2007/10/20/world/asia/20japan.html?_r=1&oref=slogin)


What the hell is going on in that country? I am pretty sure in the '50s when America started putting Flouride in the water supply Japan chose LSD instead.

Joe the Plumber hits Saturday Morning

Following the imminent Obama victory, rumor has it that ABC is picking up the rights to the new show "Joe the Plumber and Friends." While most characters will be played by puppets, the character of GOP campaign strategist Steve Schmidt will be played by Wallace Shawn, Cindy McCain by the Austin Powers Fembots, and John McCain by the cryptkeeper.

Among the known puppets, there are campaign favorites Joe, Tito the Builder, Ken the Carpenter. New additions include Sam the Asshole Marketing Executive, Charles the Pawn Shop Owner, and Maria the My House is in Foreclosure and Im seriously considering prostitution secretary.

Do I hear Emmy talk?

Women of the World Unite. And unite Now.

Ladies, Nay, WOMEN of the world Unite. This is your hour. This is your time to take that which is so deservedly yours. That torch which was lit by Susan B Anthony, carried by Sackeajeweeaya and risen to an even higher peak by Hillary Clinton and Sarah Palin shall not vanquinsh this night or any other, but, rather, should be hoisted atop the the highest of mountains . Seize this moement andbe that which you want to be, you can be a

Sexy Sky Captain

slutty school girl

sultry mechanic

sassy referee

saucy singer

sensationally sexy stripper

a sluty ladybug (seriously, a lady bug? wtf?)

sexy beer garden girl

slutty cop

a sexy cop

a sexy slutty cop

a sexy officier slutty cop

a sluty whore sexy racy cop

GREATEST COP OF ALL TIME

a sexy nurse

SEE. YOU CAN BE ANYTHING! just remember the fishnets ladies, I don't want you all freezing

The Children Have Spoken.

Yup. Fetuses love the Maverick.
My reaction?
At what point did unborn children get together and decide to make Pat their spokesperson.

...And the McCain campaign inches closer and closer to being a highlight on the Soup.

Embarrassing.

ADHISAYA PIRAVI: MTV Award, Best Fight

So, given that the only people who visit, or would visit, this website spend way too much time on the internet, most of you have probably seen some sort of Top 10 list. Personally, I have seen hundreds. Some are comedic, and some set out to showcase some form of badassery. Well, this is one of those lists. And it only has one element. Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you a marvel of film making and editing; a segment so great that only the best and brightest minds of Hollywood would dare attempt to usurp this visual orgy of splendor and attempt to top it. I give you, the greatest and most intricately choreographed fight scene in the history of fights, or scenes. And yes, of course it comes from Bollywood.

I AM SO EMBARRASSED.

WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP. Hi Guys, I am really sorry about my absence around here latley. I was gonna try and blame it all on med school, but I have to be honest. For the past three weeks I have accidently posting on jewandGENTLES.blogspot.com. I just figured we had taken that Downy sponsorship and were gonna make some dough off of this thing. ANYWHO. See yall tommorrow.

I shall return

After midterms.

"It's always darkest before the dawn.."- Old guy from Dark Knight

The Oscar Rumor Mill

Well, it's that time of year again, Oscar-season. To be honest, I have no idea when Oscar season is, but for the sake of this post, it's Right Around The Corner!

Let's take a look at the Oscar hopefuls this year:

All of the Oscar buzz is revolving around critically acclaimed actor Samuel L. Jackson; Jackson is making the bid for his role in the racially progressive Lakeview Terrace. Samuel Longjohn plays a neighbor who, for seemingly no reason whatsoever, is absolutely crazy.

Jackson, who was recently seen at Bernie Mac's funeral, is celebrated for his role in establishing an African-American presence in American cinema. Sammy intends to contribute to the social push for integration by playing a crazed Black neighbor in the suburbs, paving the way for the image of upwardly mobile African-Americans, and diminishing the stereotype of African-Americans as violent and irrational.

Godspeed SLJ. What integrity.

Time to start your X-mas (or Hannukah, BILLY) lists!

So this exists. You may, like myself, not have thought that there was a market for Confedrate-Native American-Wolf-Dream Catcher memorabilia. Turns out that, I have no fucking idea what the hell goes on in other parts of the country that I live in. I can't even BEGIN to relate to the kind of person that would SERIOUSLY buy this. But, I can in fact totally relate to the kind of person that would buy this because its amazing. For all your shopping needs, you can head to the following website to check out many other nuggets of joy:

http://www.sevenbros.com/index.php?cPath=95

specifically: http://www.sevenbros.com/index.php?cPath=95_112

*Sidenote, WHER THE HELL ARE MY COHORTS?

BUY ORTEGA

I will give you zero guesses as to which part of this commercial earned this video its place on this most prestigious website.




Ortega Marketing FTW ("for the win" for people with lives)

*UPDATE* Not really an update, but I kind of imagine the guy who wrote this dialogue explaining himself to his colleagues saying, "You know...you write COUNTLESS advertisements and commercials. Bring an untold amount of revenue to COUNTLESS businesses. But you write ONE LINE of dialogue that could be an innuendo for the deflowering of a 16 year old girl in a Taco Commercial and SUDDENLY you are the bad guy....sheesh."

ALERT!

New Top Tier Insult Available for Use: "TAINTBADGER"

You heard it here first.

:)

A Scientific Victory

As we have all unfortunately learned, Scientific discovery does not always lead to desirable results. As the saying goes, "the best-laid plans of mice and men / Go oft awry." But science and innovation has, as a general rule, provided the human race with countless advancements in health care, information transfer, and technology. But, as you will soon see, all that is peanuts compared to this:

http://www.greenexpander.com/2008/05/29/meet-the-mini-pigs/


As you can see. This pig is quite smaller than a normal size pig. After, "9 years and 24 generations," the breeder developed this marvel of modern science. If you don't want one of these, I hate to inform you but, you are probably dead (no offense to any ghosts who also may want a miniature pig).

Implications of this discovery:
1) Bacon (duh) only SUPER TINY bacon.
-subpoint: the ability to make super tiny BLT's and then have a tea party.
2) The actual ability to say, "Yo baby, how about we go back to your place and let loose this pork in my pants." (This is guaranteed to get you laid, because Christ Jesus, look at that thing)
3) You would have a miniature pig (seems obvious but really THINK about it)
4) Miniature pig races
5) You could put a PIG into a hamster ball
6) You could carry a pig around in a fanny pack
7) You could reenact Charlotte's Web in your bathtub
8) The cutest rack of BBQ ribs EVER
9) You could have it ride on top of a turtle
10) It would wuv you.

I rest my case.

Fun Facts! : I saved a link to this article a while ago and clicked on it today and it was a Pornography site that promised me hot local girls (they were lying), so I had to find it elsewhere. The more you know!

Steamy Nights at the EEOB

Date: June 14, 2009
Setting: Eisenhower Executive Office Building, Office of the Vice President, Washington DC



Tom, a young strapping summer intern in the Vice President's Office knocks at a door. "Come in," a voice responds. He opens the door, holdings documents reading "TOP-SECRET" under his arm, pressing against his well tanned and bursting bicep. He proceeds across the large office to a desk, where a paint-suit clad vivacious woman is sitting while reading briefings. "Vice President Palin, I was told to bring these important documents immediately to you from the President, it sounded urgent." She removes her glasses and looks him over "I'll take those" she reaches over taking the files out of his hand while touching and stroking his forearm in the process. "What's your name?" she asks. "Tom, I am new around here" he answers nervously. "Where are you from, Tom?" the Vice-president asks him as she unbuttons her top button and lets her hair tumble. "Well I was in med school, and to be honest I really dont know what I am doing here, it's kind of a non sequitor, sorry I have no way of explaining it, at all." He answered. "That's alright, we really should be more worried about that preemptive strike." The V.P. remarked "What preemptive strike? I had no idea one was even being considered" Tom questioned in a startled manner ."The one I am about to wage on your axis of Boner" The VP exclaimed. "MRS VICE PRESIDENT, YOU'RE MARRIED AND..." At that moment the Vice President grabs his belt-buckle "Now this is what I call executive privilege..."





Holy crap, I had no idea I was posting this on J.A.G. I meant to put this on my other blog: VPPALIN-EROTICFANFICTION.blogger.org. I am really sorry for the mix up, ill take it down tomorrow everyone.

New Friends

Since I haven't been workin and school hasn't started up yet, I've been kind of bored around here lately. I really was getting desperate to find something fun to do. Luckily for me, I was watching TV when a commercial showed me how to find some new friends:

Whoa! I can't believe I hadn't heard of this before. Like that second guy sounded awesome: he's
"athletic," "Curious," and "local" Hey, me too. I love sports, scientific inquiry and my home town. And there were those weight lifting buddies a couple of seconds later, I could get in shape! So I gave the phone-number a call and my new friend, Lance, should be over any minute now.

UPDATE: OH JESUS GOD NO, DO NOT CALL THE NUMBER

Olympic Superstar or Arab Warlord?

Olympic fever has even been more contagious than dyptheria or terrorism... or has it?

US Authorities have targeted who they believe to be a major leader in a multinational terrorist organization posing as an elite athlete. Usain Bolt aka "Saddam" Usain Bolt aka Usain "the" Bolt aka Usain Schlomo Boltstein aka U "lookin at me? are you in" Sain B "rotha?" oltendorf aka "Tuff" Jimmy Shapiro has done well this year to hide his checkered past from the media.

CIA Director Michael "I feel safe in your arms" Haven has warned Americans visiting Beijing this summer to avoid "Suspicious looking arabs ...or rastafarians" and has further advised to "smoke weed in the safety of your own bungalow."

While these comments don't apply to Americans at home, or anyone in particular, visitors have become more wary of the many dangerous olympians that have tattered this sometimes popular event.

WTF America?

The Olympics are well underway and so far I have been pretty disappointed. For starters, China currently has more gold medals than the good old U.S.A. Secondly, NBC's 24/7 coverage of a shirtless Michael Phelps is not helping my body image...

But by far the biggest tragedy of these Olympics has been the realization that America does not have a Team Handball team. Now originally I was thinking "Handball, isn't that what I couldn't get my prom date to do to me under the table?" Well according to my mom, no it isn't, and also, I shouldn't call her with these questions. But after NPR's AJ Jacobs said it was his favorite sport in the games I decided to look it up. Turns out it is awesome. It's like Lacrosse/Dodgeball/Football/TimeTravel/Hockey. Lets see what Wikipedia has to say: Team handball (Also known as "Lacroccer" has origins reaching as far as antiquity: urania in ancient Greece, harpaston in ancient Rome, fangballspiel in medieval Germany, etc. There are also records of handball-like games in medieval Blah blah blah ROCKIN VIDEO:
P.S. I Don't know what you've read in the papers, but these videos just released are not of Windsor: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9hsKI09ODj4

I'm back.

I have actually been home from Africa for quite some time now but I have been holding off on gracing this most intellectual electronic media forum. Why? I wanted to come back with a bang. I wanted to comeback with finesse and style. I wanted to deliver something purely magical that would make a person stop and think back and say to themselves, so THAT'S what I have been missing. And here it is. Beijing 2008 meets Reptilian Erotica.

Breaking News:America's Health-Care Crisis has been solved.

Sorry Barck Obama, Billy Mays just saved millions of lives, and all my knives! And my Garden!

R.I.P. John Kruk 1966-2008

In a daring terrorist attack this morning, Philadelphia Philly and ESPN analyst John Kruk lost his life. Details are still coming in and I'll be sure to keep you posted but he will be missed. We hear at JAG send our condolences to his family.




Oh wait, nevermind. John Kruk is fine. Sorry about that guys. (I was gonna RICKROLL everyone but it wouldn't let me inbed and I was too lazy to remove the post)

Sites that are better than ours #1

In the first part of what is sure to be a 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 part series, I bring you Sites that are better than ours. This series will focus on websites that are clearly superior to ours. Hopefully, these segments will lead you to venture out there onto the Internet and discover some of the better websites instead of sitting on jewandgentiles.blogspot.com and hitting the refresh button all day waiting for those naked pictures of windsor.

Sites that our better than ours #1: http://www.google.com/

What makes it better?

• Our website is updated once every three months, Google is updated every .5nanoseconds
• Google has a magic box where you type things in and it finds what you were looking for, our site has no such box
• Google is worth 180Billion dollars and has made its founders, Sergey Brin and Larry page, each multi-billionaires, in contrast our site is worth .08 dollars and has made its founders even less.
• Google set up Google.org which annually give tens of billions of dollars to charity while I routinely roam Chicago stealing aluminum caans from the homeless as they sleep.

Coming next week- "Sites that our site is better than #1: Myspace"

Where Have I Been!?

So, I haven't posted in awhile, and the reason is I was left for dead in an abandoned warehouse in northern India. But I won't bore you. Here's my list of the top five places you wouldn't want to wake up:

5) Joe's Apartment

4)On stage during a mock vaudeville performance - Trust me... Yikes~!

3)In the second dimension!!!!!

2)Downtown Minneapolis in a pool of your own blood and vomit.

1) waking of in a morgue because you were left for dead in Northern India.

Woops! India :(

or an episode of the boondocks. Because that show is awful. Worse than DMX.

Count Von Wunderschipen der Floatenschtien

Anyone who knows me is well aware of my pursuit to land that dream job, and I have finally boiled it down to two possibilities. The first being Chicago Mounted Police officer. After living in Chicago for less than a year, its obvious the great job these guys have. They ride around on horses with a with a couple of friends, aka a posse, and just wave at people who aren't on horses. Basically they wake up everyday to be in an 8 hour parade, except they also get a gun. Horses+gun=American Dream.
Then there is job number 2: Blimp pilot. The allure of blimp pilot is that it looks like the most impossible job to fuck up. You float around a couple thousand feet in the air, looking down womens' shirts, watching sports games, etc. And since they replaced Hydrogen with Helium, the worst thing that could happen is you slowly crash and everyone gets a funny voice and a hearty laugh. However, with the the exception of the Goodyear Blimp, I was under the belief that zeppelins are pretty much non-existent. Well thank you New York Times for showing me the error of my ways, with an article describing the new eco-friendly resurgence in blimping.

Thanks to their low fuel consumption, airships are enjoying renewed attention as an alternative in an era of high fuel prices. But while zeppelins inspire enormous loyalty among those who work on them and a sense of wonder among all who watch them soar, the financial returns have barely gotten off the ground. “Our philosophy is to preserve the businesses in the long run, to keep them at the top,” insulated from the common pressure from shareholders, Mr. Büchelmeier said. The latter-day Zeppelin empire includes ZF Friedrichshafen, an automobile supplier that employs some 60,000 people worldwide and reported total revenues of roughly $20 billion for 2007. The holding company Zeppelin GmbH includes the exclusive dealer for the heavy equipment maker Caterpillar in Germany and much of Central and Eastern Europe. There is even a private Zeppelin University

Awesome So I can finally be a blimp pilot AND get a "Zeppelin Uni" sweatshirt. Sounds like it couldn't get any sweeter. Wait, what's that?

Perhaps the unlikeliest mission for the new generation of zeppelins was treasure hunter. The prototype ended up in Botswana, where the company DeBeers used it in diamond exploration.

Well, Looks like that its for me. Good-Bye Everybody!

Forever yours,

Tom Shoe B.P.A.D.H (Blimp Pilot/African Diamond Hunter)

SOURCE: http://www.nytimes.com/2008/08/04/world/europe/04zeppelin.html?hp

African American

Things have been pretty quiet around here lately. I am going to attribute that to the fact that Windsor has been in Africa recruiting the next big NBA phenom! Way to go Windsor. :-) He sent back this footage from his trip:



Oh yeah, and Billy might be dead.

They took our jeerrrrbs!

Robots, unsatisfied with just eating our cars, entertaining the japanesse, cleaning our carpets, stealing parts from our child stars, and tirelessly hunting John Conner have decided to make illegal immigrants and local youths their next target. How else could you explain this?



TheLawnBot. From the NYT:


Owners of Kyodo America’s newest robotic lawn mower, the LawnBott LB3500, can program the little guy using a Bluetooth-equipped mobile phone, telling the mower when to leave its docking station and run around your estate, happily chewing up the grass while you sip a mint julep.

I do like that mint julep part. Nothing better than sucking back the preferred drink of white plantation owners while a modern day slave works on my lawn. Probably the most startling part is that its BlueTooth enabled. Meaning you can call it to let it know when you want it to mow. This is the last thing I need: the ability to drunk-dial my lawnmower. Althought it will probably be more receptive to my 3am "Baby Im so sorry, Ive changed. I miss you. Take me back. No Im not crying" wine cooler inspired phone calls than my eX Girlfriend.

(Source: http://www.nytimes.com/2008/05/08/technology/personaltech/08mower.html?_r=1&scp=1&sq=robotic%20mower&st=cse&oref=slogin )

Happy 4th of July Pedophiles! <3

Finally, a celebration of independence the founding fathers would be proud of. MSNBC will be having a Dateline NBC To catch a Predator marathon all day today. Apparently its in the delcaration:

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men and little boys and girls are created equally hot, that they are endowed (thats what she said) by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Tail on the internet. — That to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed chatrooms. That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive towards HotMustang69x4u by measure of Chris Hansen, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Government.

U.S.A.! U.S.A.! U.S.A.! U.S.A.! U.S.A.! U.S.A.! U.S.A.! U.S.A.! U.S.A.! U.S.A.! U.S.A.! U.S.A.!

A glimpse ahead.

Obviously someone invented a time machine because this is most definitely me in about 10-15 years. I HAVE SEEN THE FUTURE!!!!




Source

George Carlin was the fucking man.

No point in trying to be clever or funny. I will never even come close to George Carlin in my life. Just watch all of these:


Fuckin Carlin

Shit, Piss, Fuck, Cunt, CockSucker, MotherFucker, and Tits

R.I.P.

Non-Stop Action

One of these days, I will actually post something with some commentary and insight, maybe even some words that are pseudo-intellectual. But for now, I am just going to use this blog to post things that render any sort of explanation moot.







In all fairness, this stunt is replicated in the new film "Wanted" Or at least I imagine it is based on the previews that I have seen.

BREAKING NEWS ON CNN

I'm not even going to attempt to set this up or make it funnier.




Click Here to Change Your Life





Score.

Party In My Pants

It's the weekend, bros, and we're about to rock out without our cocks in. That's right, let's go down our clubbing check list before we spend money on some honey:

1) Sparxxx - Get our buzz on

2) Bubba Sparxxx - Get our bust on

3) Hair gel - Get our spike on

4) Preparation H - Get our, what the hell

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,362304,00.html

Apparently the cool new thing is to rub ass medicine all over your body and girls will want to bang you.

Unfortunately, this new craze has meant a dropoff in business for Bacardi girls, Jagermeister girls, and St. Pauli girls in lieu of a new party promoter. Thankfully however, young partygoers are finally taking the problem of body hemorrhoids seriously.

HISTORY!

READ IT AND WEEP. RIGHT THERE. Three historic words: YES WE CAN! That's right, Yes, we can buy our own dinosaur skeletons! (PSYCHE) The Independent is reporting that there is a new trend by the super-rich in collecting dinosaur fossils. For example, according to the article a triceratops can be bought for only 400,000 L-shaped things, or £. I think that's gay dollars or something, I don't know I'm not an economist. The article:





Moneyed collectors are flocking to fossil auctions like never before. Just look at the catalogues of major auction houses over the past six months. In April, a 65-million-year-old Triceratops skeleton went under the hammer in Paris, and sold for a cool £400,000. In March, a prehistoric Siberian mammoth fetched an equally jaw-dropping £200,000 in New York.
With Christie's holding regular dinosaur auctions in the French capital, and similar events being held at Bonhams and fellow auctioneer Chait in Manhattan, there are more opportunities then ever to pick up a bony memento.(sounds like a gay porn about a guy with anterograde amnesia)

http://www.independent.co.uk/news/science/bones-under-the-hammer-fossil-fetish-spurs-collectors-market-839427.html

HMMMMMM. RICH PEOPLE? DINOSAURS? MONEY? I think this is a recipe for success

Morning eXXXpress (those x's mean its racey)

Many of you who know me personally know I spend too much of my spare time interested in the news-cycle. Whether, cable, print, weekly, or old time ticker, I typically pay it attention. However my new-gathering world has been rocked lately. It all began one morning when I woke up and somehow my TV was CNN headline news. For those of you unfamiliar with this cable bastion of information, CNN headline news basically has 4 stories that it repeats every 20 minutes. Unfortunately, my batteries had fallen out of my remote. It was as though my apartment had turn into Sichuan province, because I, too, was trapped. I allowed the TV to stay on and what I was greeted with was this:

Her name is Robin Meade, host of a show called as Morning Express, and she has no business giving me the news. Thanks to her, since I started watching two weeks ago, all I know about current events is that Angelina Jolie might have twins and that gas might be expensive. Even worse, to my room-mates' dismay, I have thoroughly ruined every towel in the apartment.

In full disclosure, I by no means intend to stop watching Morning Express. I just thought I would give everyone the heads up that from here on out my posts will most likely have something to do with American Idol, Brittney Spears, UFOs or other things only idiots care about.

Down the Rabbit Hole (not the porno)

A long time ago, like 1000 years I believe (176), there lived a man named Lewis Carroll. Now this figure in history is OBVIOUSLY most well known for his supposed pedophilial tendencies and also his "poetry" that consisted mostly of nonsense words and phrases. (See: Jabberwocky). This is all common knowledge and known to everyone (even the heathens), but APPARENTLY, he also wrote some story about a girl named Alice and her trip to Belgium. Well, after doing some research, it turns out that this story was actually made into film by well known cryonics expert, Walt Disney. Blah blah blah here is a song that is over 88% comprised of sounds from that movie.





Sidenote: I showed this to someone and they said "I would finish on her face." Does anyone know what this means?

World War III Begins: Commies take Facebook

In a startling turn of events, The New York Times is reporting that Chinese Prime Minsister Wen Jiabao (YES, THE WEN JIABAO) has created a facebook account. The title of the NYT piece is China Leader Makes Debut on Great Wall of Facebook. Funny Stuff. I am surprised it they passed over the equally witty: Chinese leader wove you Long time, Online. A breif excert from the story:

Prime Minister Wen Jiabao has jumped into the online social networking world with a page on Facebook, one of the most popular sites of its kind. As of early Wednesday, the page had about 13,000 “supporters.” It reflects the booming popularity of Mr. Wen, also known as “Grandpa Wen,” who flew to Sichuan Province hours after the May 12 earthquake there and traveled through the hardest-hit towns, expressing sympathy to victims all the way. He became the face of China’s grief.

The article goes on to note that there have been more than 500 postings on his wall, with the most popular being "GO CHINA!" The article also says he has less friends than Barack Obama (who has 812,000) but more than Princess Diana (who is dead). The most popular posting on her wall being "Hey look, I am friends with a corpse, yo!"

In a related story, I am going to Poke the shit out of some guy named Wen Jiabao.

http://www.nytimes.com/2008/05/28/world/asia/28wen.html?_r=1&scp=1&sq=facebook&st=cse&oref=slogin

Glamour > New England Journal of Medicine

My classy self was recently shopping at Wal-Mart and while in the check out line I was oogling the girl on Glamour magazine when I started reading the cover.

There were the things I had come to expect to see on a women's magazine: New Ways to Wear White, Runaway Hair Made Easy, and of course, Calorie Math. But then I saw the title of an article that really caught my eye : "Ob-Gyn explains whats normal and what's not down there." Hooray! I thought, finally I would understand that dark abyss which has caused me so much confusion and pain (this never happens I Swear, what do you mean thats the wrong hole, shut-up I'm not crying, etc). As I reached to pull this piece of scientific inquiry from its check-out aisle holster, I was called forth by the gorgeous woman at the register. NO!!, enlightenment was out of reach. However, I immediately went down to the Feinberg Health Sciences Library at Northwestern University and began conducting research. 78 hours later, here are my results, and presumed contents of that elusive article:

What's normal:

-A vagina

-Occasionally, a penis entering and exiting

-hair sometimes

-no hair sometimes

-funny shaped hair other times

-Cardboard cylinders

-babies

-Wackily Shaped miniature diapers

-Tears

What's not:

-Itching*

-Profuse discharge*

-a De Lorean DMC 12

-Elton John

-Green or grey discharge*

-Magic Cards

-A copy of Orson Scot Card's sci-fi Novel Ender's Game

*Actual entry from article. If you feel like gagging, it can be found at:

http://www.glamour.com/health/articles/2008/05/vagina?currentPage=2

This Memorial Day...

Let us honor the veterans who fought bravely (i.e. went on fun adventures) in our world wars. Let us also honor current politicians who paid their duty to our country:



We're a week into this blog and I am already mocking veterans - this should really be named paganwhosmostlikelygoingtohellandgentiles.blogspot.com

Iceburg:1 Rivets:1 Titanic:0

Author Jennifer Hooper McCarty has been making the rounds promoting her new book, What Really Sank the Titanic. I recently caught her on the Colbert Report talking about the book. Basically she puts forth the case that it wasn't just the iceberg that sank the Titanic but also faulty rivets and construction. Publishers description follows:

On the starry night of April 14, 1912, at the dawn of a century charged with human ingenuity and hope, the largest and most advanced passenger ship in the world struck an iceberg and sank to the bottom of the frigid North Atlantic. In the decades that followed, despite numerous official inquiries and the eventual discovery of the wreck itself, key questions have gone unanswered: Why did the double-bottomed, 46,000-ton RMS Titanic, built above and beyond the most exacting specifications, sink in less than three hours? Was the iceberg alone responsible for the tragedy? Or did other factors contribute to the collision's deadly toll? A conclusive explanation has not been given--until now.

WHAT? a conclusive explanation has not been given? I thought when it hit that giant Iceberg and sank was a pretty conclusive. Did the Iceberg have an alibi? Anyways this was just an elaborate rouse to post this classic MST3K clip:

Big News

DAVID COOK IS OUR NEXT AMERICAN IDOL!!!!!!!

In way more exciting news, scientists have discovered fossils of a frogamander,

The article reads, "Canadian scientists... have... frogs (crabs)."

The article sheds light on the missing anthropological link that holds both scientific and political implications, as well as the status of small animals living in many Canadians' pubes.

Man Cures Man-Boobs, Wins Nobel Prize

YEAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

An article in Times Online describes a new procedure being used to help overweight boys get rid of their man boobs. Ballsy? Yes. Heroic?? YES. I tear comes to my eye when I think about the possibility of going to the public pool this summer without having to wear a t-shirt in the pool. It's about time medicine finally started solving some real problems.

The article interviews a Dr. Christian Duncan in Liverpool england who is conducting the procedure. Here is a taste of him describing the man-boobs and their consequences, link below:

"These are firm female breasts, something that any woman would be proud of. There isn’t one month that has passed in the past 12 months where I have not seen a new patient with this condition. It used to be much less common and I am afraid it is a sign of the growing problem of childhood obesity.
“We try to teach these boys about making lifestyle adjustments, like getting them to go to the gym, but they just won’t go. They become very self-conscious and it can start to affect their ability to socialise and concentrate at school. Often they are bullied. To rectify the problem for them we basically use liposuction to remove the glandular and breast tissue and fat from around the chest to give a flatter appearance.”

Alright, maybe he hasn't won the Nobel Prize, but that's just a matter of time.

http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/life_and_style/men/article3964936.ece

Animals > Humans

In response to Windsor's post.


Proof Below-




I rest my case.


In all seriousness, the Orangutan is having the time of his life. He decimated a sumo wrestler, the pinnacle of all human kind. Why haven't we weaponized these things yet.

Are we really better than animals?

Animals have the sweetest life ever. They basically get to do whatever they want at all times. I mean, they can eat, fart, crap, and hump pretty much ANYTIME they want. That sort of life appeals to the Id in all of us. But this damn Kangaroo has taken it a step further. He has taken my favorite dance move, called the "Belltower" and improved it 100% percent. Touche, my friend from down under, touche.


Kangaroo Rings his Own Bells on Golf Course - Watch more free videos

...and the lists begin ...already

Well guys,

It's 1:14 Tuesday morning and everyone knows what that means...

I'm not getting laid at 1:14 Tuesday morning and will therefore make a list of top 3 something or other.

Let's make it "Leaders"

3) Mickey Mouse - It is said that "Walt Disney works in mysterious ways." It is clear that Walt's frozen corpse is truly in control of Hamas and is still in the forefront of lovable Jew-haters (sorry William Wallace).


2) Ayatollah Khomeni - Barely beats out the mouse, mostly due to his hatred of Western imperialism.

1) Troop 412 Scoutmasters

Because there's nothing more powerful or innovative as closet pedophilia in green shorts

Internet Classic: We need Girlfriends

Internet Classic : We Need Girlfriends

When the high council of knights and warlocks convened and decided to create this blog, one of the goals set forth was for it to help shed light on things in that have for too long gone unnoticed and unappreciated.









Which brings me to We Need Girlfriends. A Web-show that I caught about 3 months ago when I read about CBS acquiring the rights to it. So basically its a show on Youtube that CBS decided was sooo awesome that it needed to be TV. The show was on a bunch of those best of the web lists and the producers were interviewed by G4, BBC World News Radio, Yahoo, etc. The problem is that only nerds pay attention to these outlets so the show is essentially unknown. Even worse, when I want to talk to someone about the show I have no one. All this led me to choose it for Internet classics first edition (and probably last, I mean seriously this is my third post and I am fucking exhausted).
The show follows around three New Yorkers in their early 20's who all recently got dumped, and as the title suggests, are looking for some love. The show is surprisingly good. It has some flaws, mainly that at times it seems kind of weenerish, it has an O.A.R. song for its theme and has too much heart. The best episodes are MySpace and Rob vs. Henry. Below is the pilot and Myspace. If you want to watch more just Search Youtube for We need Girlfriends or go to there webpage:http://weneedgirlfriends.tv/.

Episode 1: Pilot

Episode 3: Myspace